i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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