I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
With great liquor, comes great irresponsibility. Remind me of this night tomorrow.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
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