You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I used my yoga mat as a door stop so he couldn't come into my room when i was sleeping last night. Drunk engineering at its finest
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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