eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
