as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Well if it makes you feel any better I threw up at Roadhouse. And then on the way to the train. And then in a water fountain. And then in a plastic bag on the train.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
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