at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I mean when you laced a shot with $200 worth of cocaine I could see why you'd be mad when somebody drops it
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
