So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
