Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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