I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
Sext me about skeletons
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize