he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Just pee around me
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
