I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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