Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
Drawing dicks in the frost on people's windshields is a rare joy I allow myself while walking to my 8 AM class.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
I do remember that in my dream I wasn't impressed with his dick.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
