Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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