do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Randomize
