Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
If that was your dad, he is hot
I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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