Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
We're attempting to get a tally of how may people puked last night...Please respond with your vomit status.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
Randomize
