the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
