I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Dude my cat is eating sugar cookies with me. No joke. My cat likes cookies.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
