puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
We'd like to invite you to our threesome! Lingerie is encouraged and drinks will be provided. Next Friday, roommate night, my bedroom. Hope to see you there!
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
