what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
She's riding a tiny four-wheeler and has a Dos Equis in her hand. I at least have to meet her.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Randomize
