I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
Randomize
