I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
Also this guy fingered me at the bar and then gave me his card
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
