You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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