I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
