I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Randomize
