You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Yeah. We're taking this fuck buddy relationship to the next level. Sober weekday sex.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
Randomize
