please come get me his dick is out. i'm sitting on his couch and his dick is out. come now
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
