The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
I basically go to him for great dick and great memes.
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
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