Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
have no fear, swaggie olivia is here to bring glorious gifts and horse dick to children
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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