but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
LOOK, I was 19, and I made a lot of choices with my crotch which I'm weirdly proud of
Yes dear.
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
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