I think I am morally bankrupt
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Randomize
