i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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