she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
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