Im gonna name my vag after egypt, "the valley of kings"
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I have to go buy generic plan b after work. I don't even leave for the new semester for another 11 days. I think I just leveled up in sluttiness
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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