I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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