Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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