i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I know what I want to do this Friday. However, it might end in me getting kicked out of an arcade and a mini golf course.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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