My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
Randomize
