Joe is yelling at the trees again.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
So what's the verdict on pumpkin smoothies with vodka? I puked.
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
How does one acquire holy water?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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