Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
She is currently expressing her joy for "bad to the bone" through interpretive dance...
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
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