Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
You need Xanax blowdarts
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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