dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune
what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
im not sure if this headache is from the car accident or cocaine withdrawl
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Randomize
