he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
doooooooo herrrrrrrrr
I'm out of practice. be my yoda
put your penis in her you must.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I may be bringing home two guys tonight. I'f they won't go for a double-team you can have the lanky one.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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