i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
