You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
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