This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I cant believe im wasting my plan b experience on this guy. I should have saved it for someone special.
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
