Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I had a dream last night that I answered the phone and after I said hello, Shia Lebeouf started yelling "DO IT! JUST DO IT!" That's when I knew, I had officially become meme trash.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
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