Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
