I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
you literally pushed me forward in the seat so you could puke behind my back without the cabbie noticing..
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
I love you. Go after that dick
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
Randomize
