he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
I tried to get you a girl. They want us to cook breakfast though
Lolll I'll be sleeping
I'm practically buying you a 1 way ticket to pound town.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
We don't have the same problems as normal people do we?
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Randomize
