I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I smoked my last bong as the sun rose. It was magical.
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
There's glitter all over his bed from my Pink VS panties... I think I might invest in similar styles as a way of marking my territory just incase.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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