By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
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