Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
11/10 would buy him a McLobster
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Let's just say his oral game was lacking. Hell, lacking is too nice of a word to describe it.
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize