True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
